| The Fan |
| Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan." |
| Dog, rope and sheep |
| One day, a farmer on vacation got stranded on a deserted island. The only thing he saved was a piece of rope, a sheep and a dog. Days went by and after a while, he was starting to dream about women. After giving it some thought, he tied the sheep to a tree. The only problem was, every time he tried to get close to it, the dog would attack him. The same thing kept happening until one day, the man heard a woman screaming. He rushed to the other side of the island and saw this beautiful woman about to drown. He jumped into the water and dragged her to safety on the beach. Once she got her breath back, she exclaimed, "You saved my life! How can I pay you back?" He replied quickly, "Here, hold my dog for a moment!" |
| Perfect Shot |
| Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." |
| The Screw |
| It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" |
| Cockeyed |
| A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her
family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed." |
| How to take a shower |
| How to shower like a woman 1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning cos there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whinge even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Turn on the hot water only. 5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam. 6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 13. Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm. 16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10. 17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water. 18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off. 19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country. 20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom. How To Shower Like a Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no) 4. Turn on the water. 5. Check for pecs again. (no) 6. Get in the shower. 7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 8. Wash your face. 9. Wash your armpits. 10. Wash your penis and surrounding area. 11. Wash your ass. 12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) 13. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. 15. Pee 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her. |
| Celebrity Golf |
| Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind? Monica Lewinski ... OJ Simpson ...Ted Kennedy ... & Bill Clinton Why??? Monica is a hooker ... OJ is a slicer ... Kennedy can't drive over water ... & Clinton doesn't know which hole to play. |
| The Panda |
| A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?" The panda appears confused so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. 'The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.' |
| Beer Cans |
| Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they
first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why you keep those cans in the box?" Bill said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen." and she thought to herself "I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in." |
| Clinton and the Ghost's |
| One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George
Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is
the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theatre |
| The Wizard |
| An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife". |
| Silly Sally and the Birds |
| ISally was seen going into the woods with a small package
and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend,
Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad. Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay......but you look so sad. Why??" Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man." Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went into the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." Liz, "So,how's that going to help you get a man?" Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters!" |
| Why Man lives so long |
| God created the donkey and told him: you will work
tirelessly from sunrise to sunset, carring heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you
will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY! The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years. God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG! The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years. God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years. The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed. Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years. The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused. That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren. |
| Panda and Prostitute |
| A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?" The panda appears confused so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. 'The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves.' |
| Mr. Forsythe |
| A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket." |
| Grandma's Peanuts |
| A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em." |
| Grumpy |
| A marriage counselor was asking a woman some questions
about her disposition. "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked. "No," replied the woman, "I just let him sleep." |
| The Rope and the Bar |
| An old rope and a young rope go into a bar to get a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve drinks to ropes." So the two ropes leave. The old rope ties himself into a knot and goes back in. The bartender says: "Are you a rope?" The old rope answers: "No, I'm a frayed knot." |
| Farmer and the Pigs |
| A Nebraska farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them
for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead lay down &
wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some
thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!" |
| How do Men exercise? |
| Q: How do men exercise at the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. |
| Widow |
| Q: What do you call a woman whose brain has died? A: A widow. |
| Wife looks bad |
| A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and
said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." |
| Real Man's Orgasm |
| Q: How long
does it take a real man to get his woman to acheive an orgasm? A: Real men don't wait. |
| Call a Docter |
| It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle
of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to
help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." |